Poe, poe, poe, poe, poe – cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha – da-da-da-da-da-i 

Eurovision fans will already be singing along but for the uninitiated, these ditties feature in three fan favourites (Austria, Finland and the UK if you’re wondering). Catchy and memorable is what it’s all about in modern Eurovision after all. 

The level of professional fandom in Eurovision is epic. Very much being in the amateur-fan space, I’m no expert but for those of you who like to do a little prep, here’s a quick rundown of this year’s performances. Bear in mind that with so many countries now participating, there are two semi-finals during the week. While this makes the Saturday night final manageable, unfortunately it means that some of the more outrageous performances don’t make it through to the final – so watch on Tuesday and Thursday nights to to get the full Eurovision experience. Fingers crossed, Lachlan and I will be at both semi-final rehearsals on Tuesday and Thursday!

Others may disagree but overall I think this year’s songs feel a little beige compared to 2022. There’s no equivalent to the joyous, bonkers-ness of  ‘Give that Wolf a Banana’ or ‘Chisinau a Bucharest’. It’s also a year of bops, rather than the absolute bangers. It’s all just a little bit more reflective.

Irrespective, Eurovision is pure joy so I doubt spirits will be dampened. 

First up, let’s address this year’s front-runners.

Undoubtedly it’s Sweden’s to lose. 2012’s runaway winner Loreen is back. Perhaps this doesn’t reach the heights of Euphoria, and that could be her undoing, but nobody does emotional angst like Loreen and Tattoo is still fantastic. She’s an absolute note-perfect pro (though there’s been a little unease at rehearsal clips) and Sweden are the Eurovision masters. The only other spanner in the works is that the giant toastie machine staging hasn’t transferred particularly well from the much-larger Swedish final stage to Liverpool.

Defending their title this year, Ukraine are back with Heart of Steel. It’ll score well but I doubt this is in the running. 

Fan favourite and hotly anticipated as a potential winner is Cha, Cha, Cha from Finland. An unusual song (sort of rock, metal, electronica and rap) which highlights reliance on booze to face nights out. The fans love it though it’s hard to tell how the televote scores it could go marmite. Definitely one to watch. 

Austria will be hoping to score well with their commentary on the music industry which takes the form of a song about being possessed by the spirit of horror writer Edgar Allan Poe to write a song (the 0.003 you hear relates to the £ artists are paid for Spotify streams). Yeah I know, but it’s fab, honest. Also firmly in the fab-u-lous category is Belgium’s 90s, vogue-ing Because of You. Retro, yes. Does the crowd love it? You bet. 

Another fan fave and social media hit is Norway’s Queen of Kings, described as a Game-of-Thrones-pirate-shanty-esque pop hit. It’s fine and definitely catchy but I’m not a huge fan. Similarly, there’s a lot of hype about Israel’s Unicorn. In theory this is a feminist anthem but after a few listens, I think it’s a hot mess. I’m none the wiser about what power unicorns possess that might help the lass. 

The UK has a great catchy pop bop. I don’t think this is a winner but it should do well. This is Lachlan’s favourite this year (though he also likes Sweden, Austria and Poland).

And so to my own favourites….

I adore the entry from Czechia My Sister’s Crown – a song about female empowerment in English, Czech and Ukrainian. Actually listen to this on repeat. Please do the right thing voting audience…

A strong contender from La Zarra with disco-francais Evidement. This is everything you want to hear from France – an elegant disco hit you can’t not dance to. Love it. And the clips from rehearsals suggest the staging is magnifique so this is rising up the bookies’ lists this week.

Not as polished and unsure if they’ll qualify but I’m always after something fairly dark so I do like both Georgia and Serbia. Estonia and Armenia both have strong female vocalists and should qualify. A wild card is Spain’s electronica-flamenco Eaea. I love this take on traditional song and many fans are very excited about it but it’s another marmite. The staging and performance will be key though as Spain pulled off second place last year due to stonking choreography and performance then they’ll be hoping to play to this strength again.

I’m always an absolute sucker for a bit of a national folk vibe, so full marks to Moldova (who absolutely know how to do Eurovision) for Soarele si Luna and a nod to Albania’s heartfelt Duje. 

Eurovision always has something for the metal-heads and this year you’re spoilt with, two – yes, two – metal (or at least semi-metal) songs. Germany have gone full-on glam-metal while Australia have an unusual track. 

The possible non-qualifiers:

Poland, which gets an eye roll from me – watch the video.

Malta – sax and a chorus of ‘I look better in my sweater.’ Meh. 

Netherlands – having a bit of a howler in live vocals in this otherwise-decent duet.

Portugal – doing their usual quirky thing.

San Marino – I can’t beyond the early line ‘I can smell you like an animal’. Nope. Can’t bear it. Worst song of the year.

Romania – yawn. Second worst.

Croatia – unfortunately this is the only properly bonkers song this year. Almost certainly doesn’t qualify.

Greece -forgettable pop, even though points for the show’s youngest performer (he’s 16). 

Ireland – ach Ireland, what are you doing to us? Still searching for their lost Eurovision mojo. Inoffensive but you’ve heard this song a million times before. 

Anything else not mentioned above falls into ‘fine but forgettable’ category (yeah that’s quite a few what with their being almost 40 songs) – some will qualify and end up right hand side of the table on Saturday night, some won’t make the grade. 

But, Eurovision is nothing if not unpredictable these days, given the new voting system, so what do I know. 

Enjoy Eurovision everybody!